Ocean Dreamer

For the past few years, I have been working with Push magazine, an all-volunteer run queer feminist magazine that is based here in Seattle. We put out one (sometimes two) issues a year, on topics such as class, sex and gender, and food. Each issue included essays, interviews, poetry, and artwork from queer and trans folks, many of whom had never been published before. I dedicated every other Tuesday night - and many additional hours - to working on editing, layout, working with authors, debating issue topics, running auctions, etc.: all the fun things that go into creating a magazine designed to create space for alternative voices.

We recently published our eleventh, and final, issue: Push: A Retrospective. This evening we had a party to celebrate the release of the issue and all that Push has done over the years. Several folks who had been published in Push talked about what it meant to them and read a piece or two. The folks who founded the magazine talked about how it started nine years ago. The five current members, as well as several past members, shared Push-themed haiku and limericks. It was wonderful to hear how much Push had meant to so many different people over the years.

And now, I bring you the lovely limerick my friend Emily and I wrote and performed this evening in honor of Push:

There once was a great group of queers,

Who did love the cool words of their peers.

So they talked and they talked,

And the drag kings they walked,

And they made this great zine for you dears.

And so I say good-bye to Push with this blog post. Working on Push helped me continue to understand my queer identity and, as a result, I gained not only academic and professional skills, but also grew deeply as a person. In a way, over the years, Push became almost like a good friend - on days when I just really needed to know I wasn’t the only progressive queer in the world, I could pull out an issue and know I wasn’t alone. And so, Push - and Push members current and past - thank you.

At the end of each Push meeting, we had a check-out, where we shared what had been going on in our lives. At a recent meeting, it was clear that we were each moving on to other things, each of us following our own path, whether that be starting a business or starting a family. The part of our paths that included Push was coming to an end, and yet, seeing that we each were continuing our journeys in ways that were true to who we were, it felt right to say good-bye to Push.

And should any of y’all out in blogland want a copy of our current issue, email me your address and I’ll do my best to send one on to you. And, if you’re in the Seattle area, copies will be available soon at coffee shops and other venues around the city.

My spiritual path up until this point has involved a lot of exploration (including protestant christianity - which I was born into, Judaism, Buddhism - a little with my Buddhist ex, and various forms of Paganism and Wicca).  I spent several years practicing Judaism and loved so much about it and gained so much from it.  It has been the source of my most spiritual experiences.  Yet ultimately I decided not to convert because I want to raise my children with the same holiday traditions I’d grown up with.  So last fall I sought out some progressive churches - United Church of Christ (UCC) churches - in the hopes of finding a new spiritual home.  If you’re not familiar with them, UCC churches tend to be about as progressive as you can get and still be christian.  They’re the ones who produced commercials several years ago showing that they welcomed everyone when other churches didn’t.  Those same commercials were then forced off the air because they “invoked controversy.”  Hmm, who’s invoking the controversy here?

Anyway, so I found a church that I liked and became involved in their young adults group (YAG, it is affectionately called.  BTW, the oldest person in YAG is nearly 40, lest you get the impression that I’m college-age.)  Although a couple of my queer friends also attend the church, I was the only queer one who went to YAG events.  And for a long time I really enjoyed them.  For the most part, the people were quite friendly, welcoming, and inclusive.  They were excited that I was trying to have a baby.  One woman connected me with a lesbian friend of hers who recently had a baby.

And then, on our camping trip last weekend, things changed.  Perhaps there had been an undercurrent of homophobia all along and I just missed it.  Certainly there were signs that some of the folks in the group are very gendered (that is, they feel all women are one way and all men a different way).  However, I was still shocked at the three separate homophobic and sexist instances over the course of the weekend.

First was the conversation where one woman, upon learning that I’m TTC, emphasized how important she thinks it is for kids of lesbian parents to have men involved in their lives, so they get exposed to both genders.  (Because, you know, there are only two genders.  And, of course, without this experience, sons of lesbians just won’t know how to be in the world.)  Certainly I want my future children to be exposed to people of many different genders so they can learn about many different ways of being in the world.  But, somehow, I don’t think this is what she was getting at.

Then, another woman described how one of the men in the group had reassured them that he wasn’t gay.  (Because, you know, being gay is definitely something to be ashamed of and, if we thought he was gay, we would be really concerned.)

Finally, the last straw came on Sunday morning during our mini-service.  One of the men (the same one, by the way, who reassured people he wasn’t gay) had chosen creation as the theme and had printed out two different versions of the creation story as the theme.  (If you’re not familiar with it, the creation story is the one where God creates the earth and all the living beings on it over a weeklong period.  Its also the story of the creation of Adam and Eve.)  Now, I have a lot of issues with that story.  I have also heard it told much better - much less offensively - than it was in the version this man found online.  It must have come from some ultraconservative religious sect, because it literally said that women were created to serve men and that plants and animals existed to give people (it actually said men) pleasure and sustenance.  Ugh.  I was so disgusted.

With the first two instances, I was caught so off-guard that I didn’t say anything.  I later talked to one of the women, though.  With the third instance, I said I found it offensive and explained why.  Another woman, one I really like, said she agreed with me.  Here’s the thing, though.  No one else said anything.  At all. In response to *any* of the comments. This is a group from a church that says it’s open and affirming (i.e. it openly welcomes queer folks).  The group members consider themselves progressive.  Two of the three ministers at the church are LGBT, and the third was the minister of another UCC church when it became the only one in its area to become open and affirming.

I really thought it was a safe space for queer folks and now I’m disappointed and a little unsure of where to go from here.  It illustrates, though, that just because a church - or any institution - labels itself as queer-friendly does not mean that all the people at that institution will be.

For now my spiritual journey continues.  Today I went to check out one of Seattle’s Unitarian Universalist (UU) churches and was thrilled to find that my two good friends R & S just started going there.  (Could it be a sign that I should head there next?  I know they’d like it to be - we had brunch afterwards and they told me - jokingly - that our friendship was riding on whether or not I decided to continue going there.)

If y’all have insights or similar experiences, I’d love to hear about them, too.

Congrats to the folks at two of my favorite blogs on the birth of their babies:

• QueerBabyMaking’s baby girl was born August 10th and
• Role Playing with Kids‘ twin boys (their second set!) were born August 2nd

Hooray for new babies in the blogosphere.

I’m going to be taking a TTC break until October.  If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I’m also in grad school.  I’ll be getting my Master in Teaching for elementary ed and will graduate in July.  While grad school is important, having a baby has always been my top priority.  My plan was to TTC for a few months and, if I got pregnant quickly, to do half of the program and complete the rest one year later.

I had to put off TTC earlier this year because of some health issues and the breakup with my ex, so I did my first insem in May.  I decided to give it three initial tries and then, if it didn’t take, I’d take a couple of months off so I could finish the program before the baby is born.  So, I’ll be trying again in October (or November, depending on the timing).

When I first decided to do this, I thought it’d be pretty tough.  However, I’ve actually found that the break has been nice so far.  TTC is stressful and since there is so much other stress in my life currently, it is much easier to have one less thing to worry about.

I’ll still be posting here regularly (my previous break notwithstanding) about kiddos, being an SMC-to-be, being a queer parent-to-be, and other things going on in my life.  And cross your fingers for me that October will be my lucky month!

Anyone else have days where you get nothing done?  I worked so hard getting all my coursework and other work done that I now have little energy to do anything other than watch the Olympics and read other blogs.  (The positive here: I have found a bunch of new blogs that I like.)

I really need to get my house cleaned and get to work on my pre-fall-quarter coursework (yes, because it will be such an intense quarter, we are expected to do all the reading beforehand.)  It would also be nice to put some work in on my little CafePress shop, so that it can help support me for the rest of my school career.  However, except for one chapter in one book yesterday, I haven’t gotten any work done yesterday or (so far) today.  Ugh.  Perhaps my body needs this.  But here is my question for you: how do you motivate yourself to do things you don’t really want to do (like cleaning)?  A lot of times I start with lists, but this time can’t seem to motivate myself to even make a list.

So since I last posted, I have:

• visited 4 states (not counting those I drove or flew through),
• finished my coursework for the summer,
• gone camping on both sides of the country,
• gone to my first Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) meeting, and
• found out that I am definitively not pregnant.

I saw Pam (my acupuncturist) yesterday and she mentioned that our friend Sarah was asking her for updates on my preggo status because I hadn’t updated here.  So, for Sarah and the rest of y’all who are wondering, no, I’m not pregnant.  I think I was pregnant for a very brief period - less than a week - and then it ended.  I had that one positive test (even if the line was hard to see, it was there), the possibly slippery pulse, and this odd bloating sensation that lasted for about a week and went away around the time I had my negative pregnancy tests.  And then I got my period.  The roller coaster of that cycle was really rough.  I had just begun adjusting to the fact that yes, I might, in fact, be pregnant when, boom, I find out I’m not.  The ups and downs, the constantly changing situation, was a lot to take in and in a way I wish I hadn’t known I was temporarily pregnant.  It would have made it easier to deal with the negative HPTs later on.

I will post more about the SMC meeting, my trip, and other updates later on, but I wanted to let y’all know that my pup Zoe seems to be doing better.  She’s eating full meals and that is a great sign.  She has to have more blood and other tests in another week or so to see if the meds have resolved this kidney infection.  At that point, I’ll know more.

So here’s an update on my adventures with biphobia on my lesbian moms listserve.  You can read about what happened here.  After my post on the listserve, I received many responses.  Some were from women who agreed with me (although one went back on her agreement under pressure from the group).  Most, however, were along the lines of the following:

• This isn’t discrimination.  Theme parks limit the height of their riders and this is no different.
• This isn’t a group for women who are just coming out (because all bisexuals say they’re bisexual because they’re just coming out; once they’re out, they’ll be lesbians.)
• Only Lesbian women deal with my issues (but bi or trans women who are in relationships with women don’t).
• This also isn’t a group for trans folks or people who are poly (even if they’re only with other women.)
• They can form their own group.

I’m really sad that the group was so narrow-minded.  I’m not too surprised, since I had a feeling they were pretty narrow based on some of their postings.  Still, it makes me so sad when groups who are oppressed turn around and oppress others, especially when they do it intentionally.  Whenever we oppress another group, we only distance ourselves, when we could be working together for a more socially just world.  When we oppress each other, we’re only helping those in positions of power to maintain their power.  Is that really what we want?  I don’t.

Someone once told me (kindly) that my theme song should be “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.”  Cheesy it may be, but there is some truth to it nonetheless.  I do believe that we can have a socially just society, we just have to keep working *together* to get there.

Back to the biphobia on the list.  So, after several days, the listowner sent out her announcement that the group would continue to be closed to bisexual women.  As I said I would, I then emailed the group to say I was unsubscribing and why.  Before I actually sunsubscribed, I did get several negative responses.  However, I also received a very sweet personal email from one of the group moderators, saying that she had been out of town and missed much of the discussion, but that she, too, was unsubscribing as a result of the decision.  So we have made a statement and perhaps the other group members will think more about the situation as a result.  Perhaps even more will leave in protest.

My sweet, sweet girl is sick with a kidney infection. This is her second one in less than two years and I am really sad and worried about her. One vet told me she might not live that long, which really upset me. That was after the first kidney infection, though, and until now she’d been doing pretty well, so I thought perhaps he was wrong. She’s only 3 years old. I’m not ready for her to leave yet.

Then, about a week and a half ago, she started not wanting to eat her food. It went on for several days before I took her to the vet. She seemed otherwise healthy and happy, so I thought she was fine. (In the wild, dog packs will desert their sick or injured members, so many dogs will pretend they’re healthy when they’re not. Zoe’s one of them.) The vet didn’t think anything was wrong with her, either, and only checked her kidney levels and urine as an afterthought because she had this history. (And, the first time, they only tested her levels as a formality. They told me they were *sure* they would be normal.) And, surprise, surprise, both times Zoe’s levels were off.

So now she’s on 6 weeks’ worth of meds. After the 2nd dose, she started eating all her food. By Sunday night, she was going right to her food bowl when meals were served, without any prompting from me. So I can see she’s doing better. And while I’m worried about her while I’m away, I know she’ll be taken care of by her very competent dog sitter. (Though I hate leaving her when she’s sick!) I just hope these meds get rid of the infection for good so she will live a long, happy, and healthy life.

Okay, so perhaps I had created a bubble of hallucination, as Sarah commented yesterday.  After my semi-confusing pregnancy test yesterday morning, I bought a set of 2 electric ones, so there would be less confusion.  I took one yesterday afternoon and it was negative - but, I thought, okay, maybe the HCG* hasn’t had time to build up yet.  Then I took another one this morning and it, too, was negative.  So, I don’t know….

I do know of one woman who didn’t get a positive HPT** until 6 days after her period was due.  However, I also know that for the past week or so I had been feeling bloated (not a normal PMS symptom for me) and had pressure in my abdomen.  Now that feeling is gone.  So maybe this was a very early miscarriage and there was still a tiny amount of HCG in my body?

In any case, as I was driving to an appointment this morning, I made peace with it.  It’s not something I can control and I won’t be doing myself any favors during the next couple of days if I’m just stressing about it (provided my period still hasn’t come).  The rollercoaster between yes and no has been really intense and crazy-making.  So, as best I can, I am going to just enjoy my vacation and when my answer comes (in the form of a period or lack thereof), I will know.  Until that time, I can’t get so wrapped up in it or I won’t be able to enjoy seeing my good friends and my family.

*HCG: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (what pregnancy tests test for)

**HPT: Home Pregnancy Test

One of these days I am going to make an acronym page that folks can just refer to.

So today is 12 dpo* and I took a pregnancy test and - guess what - it has a *very* slight, so slight you almost can’t see it, second line.  The test and control lines are pink, and if the test line were any lighter, it seriously wouldn’t exist.  I’m posting a pic here, but it’s nearly impossible to see the line in the pic (and yes, that is My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy underneath - more on that later).  When I took the test last month, it was clearly negative.  This one isn’t so clear and it *does* say that any 2nd line equals a BFP** - even if it’s very slight.  My BBT was above cover but low this morning, so I’m going to wait and take another test tomorrow.  If it’s positive, I’ll get a blood test.

To complicate things, I’m heading out of town at 4am Tuesday to go to the East Coast for two weeks.  So here’s hoping that, if I get a BFP tomorrow, I can also get in to the doc sometime that day.  I *so* don’t want to have to wait 2 weeks to get my results verified.

I’m still in a state of shock, I suppose, even with the heads up from Pam last week.  C & H at Now That You Know may also be preggers this cycle.  How cool would it be if it happened at the same time?  I would love to read about another’s experience as they go through pregnancy at nearly exactly the same time as me (give or take a day or two variation in the insems.)

*dpo: days post-ovulation

**BFP: Big Fucking Positive