Ocean Dreamer

I’m on several listserves for lesbian moms and women who are TTC.  One of them labeled themselves as being “just for lesbians.”  It was the first one I found and I joined it because I wanted the community, even though I was strongly opposed to the exclusionary policy.  Recently, the listowner received a request from a bisexual-identified woman who wants to join, and she posted on the list, asking members for our input: should this woman be allowed to join the group?

Many women have responded to the question, all saying, “no, she can’t be here.”  The general argument is that lesbian moms have different issues.  However, we don’t know anything about this woman other than that she’s bisexual and wants to join (and so is either a mom or TTC).  Consequently, people are making a *lot* of assumptions, and using all of them to argue against her membership in the group – that she’s probably married and her husband will read our posts, that she (and all bisexuals) are really more straight than queer, that her life is socially accepted.  Reading these posts, I was livid.  Here’s the response I wrote to the group:

I have a different perspective. I joined this list with trepidation
because it was limited to lesbians. I felt this was exclusionary and
it made me uncomfortable, but I decided to join and see how it went.
I have never in my life been with a man, nor do I have any intention
of ever being with a man. However, I have friends (some moms, some
not) who identify as bisexual or something along those lines. I have
never felt that their issues were so different from mine. Many are in
long-term relationships with women. Some identified as lesbians, then
fell in love with transmen. Some are poly (as are many of my lesbian-
identified friends.)

As lesbians, we have faced a lot of discrimination from many sides.
One of the promises I made to myself as a result of this
discrimination is that I would never knowingly do the same to someone
else or stand by while someone else discriminated. So what I want to
ask all of you is, how would you feel if you were in this woman’s
place? Discrimination is discrimination, no matter if it’s coming
from the majority group (straight people) or a minority group. Do you
really want to put someone else through the same pain that you have
experienced from discrimination? I don’t.

Someone said she was scared the woman’s husband (if she has one) would
get online. I, too, would be concerned if anyone who was not a member
of this group read through our discussions, since it’s a private
group. However, I don’t see us limiting anyone else’s membership
because her partner or anyone else might get online using her ID. Why
should we treat this woman any differently? (especially since we
don’t even know if she *has* a husband.)

Someone suggested admitting bi women on a case-by-case basis after
finding out more info on that woman’s love life. This, too, is
discrimination, since we are treating them differently than the rest
of the members. Have any of you ever had to legitimize your
relationship with your partner in front of an individual or group you
could sense was not really open to your presence in the group? I
have, many times. Interrogating bisexual women on their private lives
before admitting them is no different.

I hope that we can be more open in this group, that we can be open to
all women who love women. We have all experienced discrimination and
the pain that comes with it. Do we really want to turn around and do
the same to someone else?

We’ll see what response I get.  I have decided that if the group decides to exclude this woman, that I will unsubscribe from the group.  I have found other community now and no longer need this support.

Any of y’all have suggestions on other ways to respond to the group, that might help them be more open?  How do you handle situations like this?  Or maybe you disagree and think the group should just be for lesbians?  Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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