Ocean Dreamer

My spiritual path up until this point has involved a lot of exploration (including protestant christianity – which I was born into, Judaism, Buddhism – a little with my Buddhist ex, and various forms of Paganism and Wicca).  I spent several years practicing Judaism and loved so much about it and gained so much from it.  It has been the source of my most spiritual experiences.  Yet ultimately I decided not to convert because I want to raise my children with the same holiday traditions I’d grown up with.  So last fall I sought out some progressive churches – United Church of Christ (UCC) churches – in the hopes of finding a new spiritual home.  If you’re not familiar with them, UCC churches tend to be about as progressive as you can get and still be christian.  They’re the ones who produced commercials several years ago showing that they welcomed everyone when other churches didn’t.  Those same commercials were then forced off the air because they “invoked controversy.”  Hmm, who’s invoking the controversy here?

Anyway, so I found a church that I liked and became involved in their young adults group (YAG, it is affectionately called.  BTW, the oldest person in YAG is nearly 40, lest you get the impression that I’m college-age.)  Although a couple of my queer friends also attend the church, I was the only queer one who went to YAG events.  And for a long time I really enjoyed them.  For the most part, the people were quite friendly, welcoming, and inclusive.  They were excited that I was trying to have a baby.  One woman connected me with a lesbian friend of hers who recently had a baby.

And then, on our camping trip last weekend, things changed.  Perhaps there had been an undercurrent of homophobia all along and I just missed it.  Certainly there were signs that some of the folks in the group are very gendered (that is, they feel all women are one way and all men a different way).  However, I was still shocked at the three separate homophobic and sexist instances over the course of the weekend.

First was the conversation where one woman, upon learning that I’m TTC, emphasized how important she thinks it is for kids of lesbian parents to have men involved in their lives, so they get exposed to both genders.  (Because, you know, there are only two genders.  And, of course, without this experience, sons of lesbians just won’t know how to be in the world.)  Certainly I want my future children to be exposed to people of many different genders so they can learn about many different ways of being in the world.  But, somehow, I don’t think this is what she was getting at.

Then, another woman described how one of the men in the group had reassured them that he wasn’t gay.  (Because, you know, being gay is definitely something to be ashamed of and, if we thought he was gay, we would be really concerned.)

Finally, the last straw came on Sunday morning during our mini-service.  One of the men (the same one, by the way, who reassured people he wasn’t gay) had chosen creation as the theme and had printed out two different versions of the creation story as the theme.  (If you’re not familiar with it, the creation story is the one where God creates the earth and all the living beings on it over a weeklong period.  Its also the story of the creation of Adam and Eve.)  Now, I have a lot of issues with that story.  I have also heard it told much better – much less offensively – than it was in the version this man found online.  It must have come from some ultraconservative religious sect, because it literally said that women were created to serve men and that plants and animals existed to give people (it actually said men) pleasure and sustenance.  Ugh.  I was so disgusted.

With the first two instances, I was caught so off-guard that I didn’t say anything.  I later talked to one of the women, though.  With the third instance, I said I found it offensive and explained why.  Another woman, one I really like, said she agreed with me.  Here’s the thing, though.  No one else said anything.  At all. In response to *any* of the comments. This is a group from a church that says it’s open and affirming (i.e. it openly welcomes queer folks).  The group members consider themselves progressive.  Two of the three ministers at the church are LGBT, and the third was the minister of another UCC church when it became the only one in its area to become open and affirming.

I really thought it was a safe space for queer folks and now I’m disappointed and a little unsure of where to go from here.  It illustrates, though, that just because a church – or any institution – labels itself as queer-friendly does not mean that all the people at that institution will be.

For now my spiritual journey continues.  Today I went to check out one of Seattle’s Unitarian Universalist (UU) churches and was thrilled to find that my two good friends R & S just started going there.  (Could it be a sign that I should head there next?  I know they’d like it to be – we had brunch afterwards and they told me – jokingly – that our friendship was riding on whether or not I decided to continue going there.)

If y’all have insights or similar experiences, I’d love to hear about them, too.

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