on deserving …
The other day I found out that an ex-friend of mine was pregnant. And it made me miserable. This woman and her partner decided not to be friends with me because I wanted them to replace something expensive of mine that they had lost. (Literally, this was enough for them to end the friendship. I know there are multiple sides to every story and usually I have little problem seeing the other person’s POV – unless its based in oppression – even when in the midst of an argument. This one I still can’t understand and likely never will.)
Usually I am genuinely happy for people when they get pregnant, but not this time. As much as I know intellectually that when and if you get pregnant has nothing to do with how much you *deserve* to be pregnant, I can’t help but feel that this is a betrayal by whatever higher power may exist out there. I do wish that couple well and I know they have been through some very tough times that would make them “deserving” in their own right. At the same time, though, there is a part of me that feels that anyone who can decide to end a long and close friendship over $50 is surely less deserving of a baby than me.
I am at this impasse – guilt on the one hand for feeling that I am more deserving than them (since, as I said, they have had some real royal shit happen in their lives) and at the same time this anger and sense of betrayal that they were “chosen” to be parents before me. I guess that’s what it’s about, really. I know intellectually that people aren’t chosen to be parents based on their good qualities (at least as long as you’re not adopting – and in some cases not then either), yet there is still an emotional, non-logical part of me that feels that, well, why the hell haven’t I had a kid by now?
I have cared for kids since I was 10 years old, when I started caring for my little sister. My background is in social work and now I’m a teacher. I’ve also been a youth worker, a camp counselor, a nanny, a daycare worker, and a manager of a daycare. So I have *tons* of experience with children of all ages. I have two very well-cared-for pooches and a perhaps slightly less well-cared-for-but-still-very-much-loved chinchilla, so I am responsible and committed to those who depend on me. I co-run a friggin’ group for queer folks who want to be parents – and have been running it for over three years (I am now with my third co-coordinator, the last two having gotten pregnant), so I know more about the ins and outs of queers starting families than I ever thought I would. I don’t blame you if you want to stop reading the pity-party this has turned into, but, well, I’m pissed.
I’m just so tired of the unfairness of it all. 
I just want a baby.
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Posted: May 13th, 2010 under infertility, pissiness, the f word (fertility).
Comments: 6
6 Responses to “on deserving …”
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May 13th, 2010 at 8.20 am
Those feelings are totally understandable. There is no logic, it’s completely random and unfair.
I hope your turn comes soon!
May 13th, 2010 at 9.49 am
Sarah said it wonderfully. There is no logic, and it’s just stunningly unfair.
I want you to know that you are deserving. I am cheering for you now, and can’t wait to cheer for you as you navigate pregnancy and parenting.
May 13th, 2010 at 2.52 pm
It isn’t fair! I had a hard time when a friend who got pregnant by accident was hoping for a miscarriage early on. What helped me was to repeat to myself that they aren’t stealing your spot in line because there is not a limited quantity of babies out there. You will get there, too!
I am optimistic that your pregnancy and child won’t be far away, either. Keep us posted on the fate of the stockpile of meds — we’re really excited for you!
May 18th, 2010 at 1.45 pm
The unfairness wears me down so so often. It’s just so much to ask of someone to watch everyone else get what they have wanted, prayed, wished, hoped, and tried for for so many years. I find it excruciating.
May 27th, 2010 at 12.34 pm
Wow, this blog is really pathetic and sad. Maybe no one wants to co-parent with you because you are too busy having pity parties for yourself on the internet. The couple you are talking about in this blog should be happy, because their life is so amazing that is makes you miserable and envious. and you feel the need to blog about it.
May 27th, 2010 at 3.29 pm
Wow, I don’t know who you are or why you feel the need to leave such a nasty comment on my blog. I am sad that that’s how you choose to spend your time. If you don’t like the blog, don’t read it. Wow.
And I’m not looking for anyone to coparent with me – not that I haven’t had the opportunity.
I debated deleting this comment, but for now I’m leaving it up, because it is just so insensitive and clearly not written by someone who has any experience with infertility (and is therefore such a good example of the kinds of insensitive crap people say to folks dealing with infertility… though usually its not intentional, like this one clearly is.) I do appreciate all of the rest of y’all’s kind comments on here.
ETA – the thing is, its really not that hard to figure out who someone is on the internet a lot of times if you know her email address and she has a public facebook profile, as this woman does. Turns out, she knows this particular couple, so I suppose her comment is no big surprise. Moving on now….