Ocean Dreamer » grad school

Things are looking up

erin — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:29:54 +0000

First, thanks so much for your comments on the last post. I really appreciate it. I just wanted to let you all know things have gone better the rest of this week. I’m really excited about my student teaching placement and have gotten out of the funk I was in. It helped so much just to write it out a bit. This is just a short post because I have several books to read this weekend. I hope you all have a fabulous weekend.

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internalized crappiness

erin — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 05:19:49 +0000

It has not been a good week. I’ve kind of debated about writing on here about this, but in the end I decided to. As a result of all the crap that’s happening at school, I’ve been dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia. I suppose I dealt with it before I really came out to myself and when I first came out, but since then it hasn’t really been an issue. Until now. So I’m not really sure what to do about it. I find myself, horror of horrors, wishing that I could be like the other people in my cohort – i.e. straight*. I’m also a bit embarrassed and ashamed to be feeling this way, which is the main reason I didn’t want to post anything about it on here. In the end, though, I decided that the best way to work through something is to talk about it, so here you go.

Maybe this will go away next quarter when I’m student teaching? I’ve written before about how I love the class and teacher I’ll be working with. It is so nice to be in her classroom, where things are not so gendered, where there aren’t expectations or boxes for the kids to be in based on what their gender is. Everyone just is, and I love it. The kids – and all of us – have so much more freedom to be true to themselves.

I was talking to my friend E about how I was feeling recently, and she said she thought it made sense, since the straight folks in my program are treated so much better than I am. Still, I want to be someone who can just be strong in the face of all of it, who will know in her heart that they are wrong and only need that knowledge to get through it. I mean, I do know they’re wrong, but clearly there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe it and that is leading me to wish I was different. I know of a queer woman a little while ago who sued my school because of their homophobia (she got all her education paid for, too.) She really seemed to be having a rough time still and said they took a part of her soul. I don’t want that to happen to me.

Until last summer, I really existed in a world that almost exclusively consisted of queer folks. Those who aren’t queer are very queer-friendly. I got used to it, it was comfortable and easy, and I always knew people either identified with or at least understood where I was coming from. For the most part, we share the same values and ideals. Consequently, when I suddenly started spending time with more straight people (some of whom turned out not to be so queer-friendly), I wasn’t as guarded as I perhaps should have been. Although, really, who wants to spend their time guarded? Watching what I say all the time makes me miserable.

For the time being, I’m trying to surround myself with as many positive queer images as I can. I’m also thinking of taking martial arts again (at least until I’m preggers) – I used to train and got so much out of it (self-confidence, awareness of my body, etc.). Most of the women who trained there were also queer and were really role models for me when I was first coming out. Now my bad ex trains at that school, so I don’t think I’ll be going back there, but I may seek out a different place to train.

I’d love to hear if y’all have thoughts or suggestions about how I can work through this. And thanks so much for listening/reading.

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*Note to the straight folks who read my blog: I don’t have anything against straight folks, it’s just that I’m not one and so it concerns me that I would in any way wish to be one. By saying “horror of horrors,” I don’t mean to imply that being straight is a bad thing, but just that it’s not who I am or who I should be.

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school update

erin — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:45:46 +0000

Hi Folks,

Thanks so much for all your sweet and supportive comments about my school experience. The school crappiness continues – most recently having a fit at me because I *dared* to request that people bring a list of ingredients to an upcoming potluck so I – and other folks with allergies – would know what we could eat. However, I am really excited about my student teaching placement. I start next quarter, but am there one day a week right now. The kids and teacher are great *and* the teacher is a lesbian who says in all her years of teaching, she has never had a parent be concerned that she was teaching their child. In your face, stupid MIT program that knows nothing. I wish I could spend every day in that class. Only six and a half weeks until I can do just that.

My friends at school are also really supportive. When they heard about the school flipping out over my allergies yet again, one woman proposed that we all bring in laminated ingredients lists, displayed on placards. Just to show how *not-difficult* the whole process was. Another woman – who happens to have a nut allergy – said she was going to fake an allergy attack and then exclaim, “oh, I *wish* I had known what was in these dishes!” They rock.

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school crappiness

erin — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 00:20:12 +0000

I haven’t written on here much about my experiences at my grad school, mostly because they have been rather difficult and I haven’t wanted this blog to turn into a place for me to complain about things. For much of the past quarter, however, I have experienced a lot of homophobia and ablism by many of the school’s professors and administrators.

At the beginning of the year, the program director refused to help me ensure that I had food to eat (I’m gluten-free) at a required retreat. She literally told me that “they’ll have vegetables and you can eat that.” Um, hello, I can not eat just vegetables for two days. I have no problem eating the same meal for a couple of days (not ideal, but I know kitchens are busy places). However, that meal has to actually be a full meal, not a plate of vegetables. Not to mention the fact that my diet is covered under the ADA. After the whole experience, the program director and another prof wanted to meet with me and basically told me they didn’t agree with the way I’d advocated for myself. Ugh. Neither of them have food allergies, and unless they do, they have no place telling me how I should be advocating for myself. I wasn’t rude, I didn’t yell, etc.

The homophobia has been more ongoing. In general, the message around any sort of queer issues – especially around issues of queers having kids – is “be careful, that’s really controversial.” WTF, this is Seattle?!?! Some of the worst was in a social justice class where we were supposed to do a project on a social justice issue. The prof wanted us to present both sides if it was a controversial issue. The examples he gave were marriage equality, abortion, and the WASL. Now, I don’t disagree that same sex marriage is controversial but as far as I’m concerned you can’t have different requirements for different issues: doing so is discriminatory. So, I decided to say something in class, and here’s how the conversation went:

Me: Could you please clarify what you mean by asking us to present both sides of controversial issues, because it seems to me that all social justice issues are controversial and they wouldn’t be social justice issues if they weren’t, and that by only requiring both sides for certain issues, you’re condoning hate speech against my community.

Prof: Um, well, uh … [then, something about how slavery was not a controversial issue so it would be one where it would be okay to only present one side. (Now, I'm not going to argue with him about slavery because I don't want to add to the rift that seems to exist between white queer communities and straight people of color communities. However, it also seems clear that slavery is "controversial" in some areas because it still continues today - that is, obviously there are some people who think it's okay.)]

Me: But you can’t have different requirements …

Another student: What she’s saying is that the other viewpoint is a religious one that’s discriminatory.

Prof: Not everyone agrees with that.

A third student: Yeah, I don’t.

Prof: See?

At that point I got up and walked out of class. Several students followed me out. I have never walked out of a class before, never even thought about it. But staying in that class would have meant condoning his homophobia.

Afterwards, at the encouragement of my two favorite professors, two other students and I met with this other professor. In that meeting, he said he doesn’t believe that homophobia exists, essentially because sexual orientation is a choice (at least that’s what I surmise from his explanation) and that he doesn’t feel he has any responsibility to create a safe space in his classroom. That last part was pretty explicit, as in I said: “Do you think you have any responsibility to create a safe space in your classroom?” and he responded: “no. That’s your responsibility.” By this point I was crying. I could not believe that someone in a professional capacity could say the things he was saying to my face. I mean, hello, this is not 1950.

There have been a number of other homophobic things that have happened, but I won’t list them all here.

So, then, the school decides to send me a letter telling me that I’ve been unprofessional because I cried in the meeting with that professor and I’ve been unwilling to hear and consider other people’s perspectives. Um, since when do I have to be open to considering that someone’s homophobia is justified? They have now placed me on an “assistance plan.” What that actually entails I’m not sure, but they want me to get counseling and they want me to talk to other teachers about their experiences. I already have a therapist, though it’s also inappropriate for them to suggest I get one. I actually think the thing about talking to other teachers is a good idea, though not for the reasons they’ve listed. I had already asked my two favorite profs to connect me with other queer teachers (which they are in the process of doing) because I want to hear about their experiences and get advice from them about being a queer teacher.

The thing is, I’ve worked in schools before. I’ve had a lot of good experiences. Generally speaking, I don’t come out to the kids, either – not because I’m hiding it, but just because it doesn’t come up. If it does, then I’m honest, but it’s not been an issue for me. I’ve never had kids or parents respond to me homophobicly. If any parent were to have an issue with me being queer and teaching their kid, then I would refer them to the principal because, really, it’s the principal’s job to address those concerns, not mine.

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not preggers :(

erin — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 03:51:27 +0000

I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. This was not a surprise, but it isn’t as easy to get the negative results now as it was earlier on. I haven’t actually gotten my period yet either, so I suppose I could still turn out to be pregnant, but I don’t think so. I don’t have a whole lot else to say about it right now, but I wanted to let y’all know what was going on. I do believe it will happen for me eventually, but the waiting and trying is rough, especially since there are other things going on right now that are taking away my emotional energy.

In other news, I realized that I’d gotten away from posting many pics on here, so posting more pics is my New Year’s Resolution for my blog.

And in even more other news, I am done with my quarter and am *loving* the free time!

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i’m back! – and starting TTC again!

erin — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 16:06:15 +0000

Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted. School is taking up so much of my time, it’s hard to find time to clean my house, let alone write on here. But, I am coming back and have very exciting news. I’m set to start TTC again at the end of this month. I am *soo* excited. You may remember that I took a few months off so I will be able to finish the school year before the kiddo is born. Well, I did the math earlier this month and at the end of this month I can finally start trying again. That means next cycle, folks – which should start any day now.

A little update on school, too. Well, things have continued the way they were, but I have found more allies among the other students and a couple of professors. Apparently previous cohorts have also felt there was a lack of inclusion of queer issues and the faculty’s response was, “well, we gave you those two articles to read!” So my friend B and I met once with a prof I really like and gave her a lot of resources. If the faculty as a whole still aren’t open to being more inclusive (and also getting some education! – they have said some pretty offensive things, y’all), then B and I are going to start a club to educate folks in the cohort. So, I’m feeling more hopeful since we now have a plan to address it.

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first impressions

erin — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:01:12 +0000

So Tuesday was my first day of official school in the teaching program. Up until this point I have been doing independent studies, so this was my first opportunity to meet my cohort and most of the professors. And, get this, y’all. The cohort has 52 students. And. I. am. the. only. queer. In Seattle. At least as far as I can tell – I haven’t talked to everyone yet. I also may have the most radical politics of anyone in the group, and my politics are not even *that* radical. There was one guy who seemed queer to me, but he turned out to be straight. Too bad, too, since he would have made such a cute gay boy! Maybe if I hadn’t just had that alienating experience with the church, I would not have felt so uncomfortable. But as it is now, I do find it rather alienating. Especially when some of the folks in the group seem to have never met a queer person before in their entire lives. And the professor can not say the acronym LGBTQ correctly, instead referring to us as “G, B, G, L … what is it again?”

In my MSW program, we had such a great cohort. I have always loved and appreciated them, but now moreso than ever. A couple of the people even created buttons that said “I *heart* my cohort,” which most of the folks wore or put on their bags. There was a strong community feel and – big surprise given the profession – *lots* of queers.

My friend Erin suggested focusing on other things that I have in common with people, which I’ve been making an effort to do. I’ve also been listening to a lot of good ol’ lesbo music on my trips home. That has helped, too. As has keeping focused on why I’m doing this. As my friend Danielle said, “All the more important, then, that you have chosen to be a teacher. KIDS NEED YOU!!!” I love my friends, they are such great sources of support.

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short TTC break

erin — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 16:10:05 +0000

I’m going to be taking a TTC break until October. If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that I’m also in grad school. I’ll be getting my Master in Teaching for elementary ed and will graduate in July. While grad school is important, having a baby has always been my top priority. My plan was to TTC for a few months and, if I got pregnant quickly, to do half of the program and complete the rest one year later.

I had to put off TTC earlier this year because of some health issues and the breakup with my ex, so I did my first insem in May. I decided to give it three initial tries and then, if it didn’t take, I’d take a couple of months off so I could finish the program before the baby is born. So, I’ll be trying again in October (or November, depending on the timing).

When I first decided to do this, I thought it’d be pretty tough. However, I’ve actually found that the break has been nice so far. TTC is stressful and since there is so much other stress in my life currently, it is much easier to have one less thing to worry about.

I’ll still be posting here regularly (my previous break notwithstanding) about kiddos, being an SMC-to-be, being a queer parent-to-be, and other things going on in my life. And cross your fingers for me that October will be my lucky month!

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I got in!

erin — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 21:07:19 +0000

That’s right, folks! You’re reading the writing of a not one, but two time grad student! Friday I found out I was accepted to a Master in Teaching program here in Seattle. I am so, so thrilled. This has been the most extensive application I have ever worked on – and I’m still not finished. My acceptance is contingent on my passing one last exam as well as several pre-req’s.

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