Ocean Dreamer » infertility

on deserving …

erin — Thu, 13 May 2010 14:55:20 +0000

The other day I found out that an ex-friend of mine was pregnant. And it made me miserable. This woman and her partner decided not to be friends with me because I wanted them to replace something expensive of mine that they had lost. (Literally, this was enough for them to end the friendship. I know there are multiple sides to every story and usually I have little problem seeing the other person’s POV – unless its based in oppression – even when in the midst of an argument. This one I still can’t understand and likely never will.)

Usually I am genuinely happy for people when they get pregnant, but not this time. As much as I know intellectually that when and if you get pregnant has nothing to do with how much you *deserve* to be pregnant, I can’t help but feel that this is a betrayal by whatever higher power may exist out there. I do wish that couple well and I know they have been through some very tough times that would make them “deserving” in their own right. At the same time, though, there is a part of me that feels that anyone who can decide to end a long and close friendship over $50 is surely less deserving of a baby than me.

I am at this impasse – guilt on the one hand for feeling that I am more deserving than them (since, as I said, they have had some real royal shit happen in their lives) and at the same time this anger and sense of betrayal that they were “chosen” to be parents before me. I guess that’s what it’s about, really. I know intellectually that people aren’t chosen to be parents based on their good qualities (at least as long as you’re not adopting – and in some cases not then either), yet there is still an emotional, non-logical part of me that feels that, well, why the hell haven’t I had a kid by now?

I have cared for kids since I was 10 years old, when I started caring for my little sister. My background is in social work and now I’m a teacher. I’ve also been a youth worker, a camp counselor, a nanny, a daycare worker, and a manager of a daycare. So I have *tons* of experience with children of all ages. I have two very well-cared-for pooches and a perhaps slightly less well-cared-for-but-still-very-much-loved chinchilla, so I am responsible and committed to those who depend on me. I co-run a friggin’ group for queer folks who want to be parents – and have been running it for over three years (I am now with my third co-coordinator, the last two having gotten pregnant), so I know more about the ins and outs of queers starting families than I ever thought I would. I don’t blame you if you want to stop reading the pity-party this has turned into, but, well, I’m pissed.

I’m just so tired of the unfairness of it all. I just want a baby.

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decisions, decisions …

erin — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 15:43:00 +0000

Thanks so much for all your input on the IVF decisions. Here’s what I’ve decided so far (subject to change, of course):

1 v. 2: I’m leaning towards transferring 2 and have been leaning this way for several days. The tipping point was talking with a (queer) couple who had done IVF and transferred 2 and ended up pregnant with 1. They pointed out that after everything they’d been through (TTC for 3 years, multiple problems trying adoption, etc.), they would have been devastated if they got a BFN on the IVF. I know I would feel the same way. (Side note: this was at a Maybe Baby potluck, where I was the *only* one who wasn’t pregnant/the partner of a pregnant person. *Not* a fun experience for someone dealing with infertility/IVF – though it got sooo much better when I realized that couple had done IVF. I had a long, lovely conversation with them, interrupted at points by comments from others like (groan) “I feel so lucky!” and “I was worried when I didn’t get pregnant the first couple of times!”) Plus, I do like twins. I used to have a not-so-secret desire to have twins. So if I end up with twins, that will be wonderful, too.

clinic v. hospital egg retrieval: I’m going to go with the clinic. My mom talked with my uncle, who’s a pediatrician, and he saw no problem with doing it in the clinic. Plus, this way the eggs won’t have to travel far in their little human-body-temperature microscope to reach the lab. Also, my mom, who lives across the country, has agreed to come out here for my egg retrieval. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship, but somehow having her here takes away much of my fear about the procedure. Didn’t think that mommy-can-fix-everything-and-make-me-feel-better magic would last into my 30s, but here it is.

shared-risk plans: I’m still deciding on this. An Offering of Love made an excellent point that the cost of one IVF plus one FET is still less than the cost of either of the shared-risk plans. I hadn’t realized this…. so right now I’m leaning towards just paying for the single IVF, and skipping the shared-risk plans. But that may change.

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red carpet (thoughts on my initial ivf appt)

erin — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 22:59:51 +0000

So I just got back from my IVF intake appointment. They really pull out all the stops. The whole appointment lasted about 3 hours (!), but I met with my doctor, his IVF coordinator, an embryologist, and their financial coordinator in that time. I was really impressed that the embryologist in particular took the time to meet with me, explain the process in some detail and answer my questions. Overall I feel comfortable with them and trust that they do their job well. I felt very well taken care of – I guess this is what happens when you pay the big bucks: you get everyone’s full attention and care. They roll out the red carpet for you. It was almost like being at a spa, the way they guided me around from person to person.

I have to figure out a couple of things and I would *love* y’all’s input as well. They do the egg retrievals in their clinic with a nurse anesthetist. According to the doctor, they put you to sleep, but not very deeply (whatever that means.) My grandfather was an anesthesiologist and always, always, always told us never to be put under anesthesia unless an anesthesiologist was present – which there wouldn’t be in this case. The clinic will also do the procedure in the hospital, with an anesthesiologist, but it costs ~$10,000 more. So I’m debating about that. It is a lot of money, but I also have had a hard time with anesthesia in the past …

The second debate is about the number of embryos to transfer back. They will do either one or two, most likely at the blastocyst stage (5 days after fertilization.) If they only do one, most likely I’ll have only one baby (very slightly higher risk of identical twins), but the chances of pregnancy are ~45 or 50%. If they transfer two, my chances of pregnancy are 60-70%, but the chance of twins ranges from 30% (according to the doc) to 50% (according to the embryologist). They are suggesting only transferring one embryo. I am leaning towards that, but it also means there’s less chance that I would get pregnant that cycle. However, they said that ~95% of frozen embryos survive thawing and that there is no difference in pregnancy rate between fresh and frozen embryos. It would just mean (possibly) a longer wait to have a baby, when I have already been trying for two years.

Interesting fact, at least at my clinic: the fact that the cause of my infertility is unknown *increases* the chance that I will get pregnant. Weird. At least there is one benefit to idiopathic infertility. :D

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the doc visit (or, small world, eh?)

erin — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:13:07 +0000

School is finally calming down some and I have a bit of free time, so I wanted to give all of y’all an update. As I said here, I think there may be something wrong with my cycles since my previous one lasted only 24 days (with only a 9 day luteal phase), and so I made an appointment with the nurse practitioner at my doctor’s office. So I had my appointment today and guess what? The nurse practitioner also happens to be in my Maybe Baby group and is preggers herself! Small world, eh? And who knows, she may even read this blog, since I did send the link to the Maybe Baby email list awhile back. As far as I know, she’s the first queer doctor I’ve had (other than the docs at queer camp), and I loved it – no need to explain what I was doing or worry that she might be homophobic (not that I’ve had much experience with homophobic doctors in Seattle, but you never know.)

So, basically what she said is that she’s not sure why my cycle’s have been off but that she thinks I should start doing IUIs instead of home insems. My original plan was to do home insems for 6 cycles and then switch to IUIs – I’ve done five, so that’s pretty close. I just hope my sperm bank will let me exchange my pre-ordered ICI vials for IUI vials. She also only wants to do one IUI per cycle, which means I will actually save money each month even though it’s more invasive. Ha! Oh, and she told me to stop using my fertility monitor and just use the clear.blue OPKs each afternoon (ideally between 2 and 5pm) – testing in the afternoon apparently tends to be more accurate and timely. She doesn’t think I needed to start on clomid right now, though if I don’t get pregnant after 3 cycles, she wants to refer me to a fertility clinic, where they will most likely put me on it.

I did an insem this month and could be preggers right now (more on that soon), but if I’m not, I’m going to skip the next cycle because of the holidays and will try again in January.

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