Ocean Dreamer » LGBT family

biphobia

erin — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 18:29:57 +0000

I’m on several listserves for lesbian moms and women who are TTC. One of them labeled themselves as being “just for lesbians.” It was the first one I found and I joined it because I wanted the community, even though I was strongly opposed to the exclusionary policy. Recently, the listowner received a request from a bisexual-identified woman who wants to join, and she posted on the list, asking members for our input: should this woman be allowed to join the group?

Many women have responded to the question, all saying, “no, she can’t be here.” The general argument is that lesbian moms have different issues. However, we don’t know anything about this woman other than that she’s bisexual and wants to join (and so is either a mom or TTC). Consequently, people are making a *lot* of assumptions, and using all of them to argue against her membership in the group – that she’s probably married and her husband will read our posts, that she (and all bisexuals) are really more straight than queer, that her life is socially accepted. Reading these posts, I was livid. Here’s the response I wrote to the group:

I have a different perspective. I joined this list with trepidation
because it was limited to lesbians. I felt this was exclusionary and
it made me uncomfortable, but I decided to join and see how it went.
I have never in my life been with a man, nor do I have any intention
of ever being with a man. However, I have friends (some moms, some
not) who identify as bisexual or something along those lines. I have
never felt that their issues were so different from mine. Many are in
long-term relationships with women. Some identified as lesbians, then
fell in love with transmen. Some are poly (as are many of my lesbian-
identified friends.)

As lesbians, we have faced a lot of discrimination from many sides.
One of the promises I made to myself as a result of this
discrimination is that I would never knowingly do the same to someone
else or stand by while someone else discriminated. So what I want to
ask all of you is, how would you feel if you were in this woman’s
place? Discrimination is discrimination, no matter if it’s coming
from the majority group (straight people) or a minority group. Do you
really want to put someone else through the same pain that you have
experienced from discrimination? I don’t.

Someone said she was scared the woman’s husband (if she has one) would
get online. I, too, would be concerned if anyone who was not a member
of this group read through our discussions, since it’s a private
group. However, I don’t see us limiting anyone else’s membership
because her partner or anyone else might get online using her ID. Why
should we treat this woman any differently? (especially since we
don’t even know if she *has* a husband.)

Someone suggested admitting bi women on a case-by-case basis after
finding out more info on that woman’s love life. This, too, is
discrimination, since we are treating them differently than the rest
of the members. Have any of you ever had to legitimize your
relationship with your partner in front of an individual or group you
could sense was not really open to your presence in the group? I
have, many times. Interrogating bisexual women on their private lives
before admitting them is no different.

I hope that we can be more open in this group, that we can be open to
all women who love women. We have all experienced discrimination and
the pain that comes with it. Do we really want to turn around and do
the same to someone else?

We’ll see what response I get. I have decided that if the group decides to exclude this woman, that I will unsubscribe from the group. I have found other community now and no longer need this support.

Any of y’all have suggestions on other ways to respond to the group, that might help them be more open? How do you handle situations like this? Or maybe you disagree and think the group should just be for lesbians? Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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My Miserable, Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy (pt 1)

erin — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 23:10:45 +0000

Last night my Maybe Baby group went to see Andrea Askowitz give a reading from her book My Miserable, Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy. The reading was at Bailey/Coy, Seattle’s friendly lesbian-owned bookstore. Askowitz was a single lesbian mom by choice when she got pregnant and had her baby, so I was especially looking forward to her reading. She read several different selections from her book and was absolutely hilarious – this is no wonderfully rosy portrayal of pregnancy, as you might guess given the title. Instead, she provides a realistic and honest – not to mention funny – portrayal of her experience. In one section, she describes going to the fertility clinic, where she was required to watch a video about hetero couples struggling with infertility. One of the couples simply wasn’t having sex often enough. After watching the show, she told the nurse she knew the source of her infertility. The nurse asked what it was and she responded, “I’m a lesbian.”

I started the book last night and so far it’s really hilarious. Watch for another post with a full review once I’ve finished it.

Incidentally, she is now partnered and her partner is currently pregnant. Congrats to them both.

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community

erin — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 00:03:53 +0000

I have begun to find other LGBTQ single parents (and prospective parents) by choice – first virtually and now in person – and that sense of community has been wonderful. I started out feeling that there were very, very few of us in this subgroup of a subgroup of a subgroup – and put a lot of energy into finding others with similar experiences. Now it seems that work is beginning to pay off. First, there have been the wonderful folks in the blogosphere, including A at Queer Baby Making and R at Now Just One Mommy…. Then, Thursday night at our monthly Maybe Baby meeting, we had a wonderful speaker on foster-adoption that drew a whole slew of single LGBTQ parents-to-be (and one who’s already a parent). I’m used to being the only non-coupled person in the room at those meetings, so meeting the others was especially wonderful. And then, Saturday morning I took a lovely walk around Green Lake with another woman who is planning to be a single lesbian parent. We talked about everything from building community to dating to dogs. There is nothing like (the often rare incidence of) having aspects of your experience reflected back at you in others’ lives.

So, to all the wonderful folks I’ve met so far, I’m glad to share part of this path with you and I look forward to seeing our community grow.

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Quads with 2 Moms

erin — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 16:02:59 +0000

Discovery Health has a new documentary featuring a lesbian family! Its called “Quads with 2 Moms” and features a lesbian couple from California who each get pregnant with twins at the same time. The babies are full blood siblings, since they share the same sperm donor and all come from eggs from one of the mothers. I loved seeing a real lesbian family on TV – not some Hollywood version of our lives, but the real deal. My first reaction besides that? Those two women look a *lot* alike.

The women gave birth one day apart, in different hospitals, since they each had different health insurance plans. This clearly really bothered them, as they both had C-Sections so were in the hospital for several days, apart from their partner and two of the four babies. I wondered how many straight people watching the show would wonder why on earth these two women had different health plans. Would they realize that it’s often difficult to get a same sex partner covered on a company health plan? Or would they not even notice?

If you have the opportunity to watch the show, I definitely recommend it. Being that its Discovery Health, the focus was primarily on the women’s labor and delivery process – with only a small focus on their day-to-day life with infant quads (plus a preteen daughter). I’d love to see them make a follow-up where they show the family’s daily life experiences: like a Jon & Kate Plus 8 for the queer set. That would be great.

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add one more to the short list

erin — Thu, 22 May 2008 19:07:06 +0000

This blog for single queer parents by choice, written by Angela, is chronicling her journey to parenthood (she’s due in a few months – congratulations!) Its also a great resource for anyone considering the path of single LGBTQ parenthood, as she does an excellent job of expressing many of the experiences and emotions of being a single parent. I’ve really enjoyed reading her blog so far – its brought me a real sense of community.

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single moms are straight, lesbian moms are coupled

erin — Tue, 20 May 2008 16:56:08 +0000

Or so it seems. I am actively involved with Seattle’s group for queer folks who want to have kids, yet I’m the only one who’s single. Aside from this blog, I’ve only found three other blogs about single lesbian mama: “Adventures of a Single Lesbian Mom,” “Soul Bliss,” and “One Mommy … TTC.” Similarly, I’ve been reading several books for single moms by choice, but they are all geared towards straight women. (There is one book, Knock Yourself Up, which is written by a single lesbian mom – I haven’t read it yet but I have high hopes.) So far, the books, articles, and websites I’ve read focus on women giving up the Great American Dream of meeting a wonderful man, getting married, and raising a family together with said man. Um, excuse me? We don’t *all* have that dream. And its quite alienating to those of us who don’t to find a group that we think would represent us, only to find that in many ways it doesn’t – especially when there is no mention that some of us aren’t straight.

And so I kept searching … and ended up deciding to start something myself. To that end, I’ve created two websites: Single Lesbian Moms by Choice and Single Lesbian Moms (by choice or chance). They’re just starting out right now, but come back, come back, I have big plans for them both – including blogs, listserves, resource pages, maybe even in-person meetups if there are enough people in given areas.

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Making Grace

erin — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:58:31 +0000

This weekend I watched the very sweet documentary Making Grace, which chronicles the experiences of a lesbian couple, Ann and Leslie, as they try to conceive their first child, a little girl named Grace. After Grace is born, the film follows the two-mom family through her first year of life. Once I got past the rather annoying fact that the voices don’t match up with the speakers’ lips, I really enjoyed the movie. It includes many aspects of queer folks conceiving children – from the dilemmas over known v. unknown donors to choosing a sperm donor from a piece of paper to the long road to conception to the not-always-warm response from Ann and Leslie’s families. Early on Ann’s sister says she will tell her children that Ann is the baby’s mom and Leslie the friend who is helping out. Happily, though, she changes her mind once little Grace was born – and even denies ever having said that Leslie wouldn’t be Grace’s mom (hmm, there is definitely more to that story.) Plus, check this out: whenever Grace misbehaves, it is blamed on the donor’s genes. I love it – no need to take responsibility for any bad genes. Anything bad – oh, must be from the donor! I plan to do the same with my children!

I would definitely recommend this film to any queer folks who are considering – or are in the process of – TTC through donor sperm (whether known or unknown). I saw many of my own experiences and those of my friends and acquaintances reflected in Ann and Leslie’s journey. You don’t see LGBTQ families in the media very often, and that fact made this portrayal all the better.

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All Clear!

erin — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:23:38 +0000

After several months of waiting to get various health issues in order, I was cleared last week to begin TTC! I am *so, so, so* excited. I have chosen a sperm bank and next week have my intake appointment with their nurse – over the phone since they’re based in Cali. They are lesbian-owned and I know other queer folks who have had great experiences with them. Assuming the timing works out right, I’ll start inseminating in May!

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Ocean Dreamer » LGBT family

biphobia

My Miserable, Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy (pt 1)

community

Quads with 2 Moms

add one more to the *short* list

single moms are straight, lesbian moms are coupled

Making Grace

All Clear!

add one more to the short list