Usually I am genuinely happy for people when they get pregnant, but not this time.  As much as I know intellectually that when and if you get pregnant has nothing to do with how much you *deserve* to be pregnant, I can’t help but feel that this is a betrayal by whatever higher power may exist out there.  I do wish that couple well and I know they have been through some very tough times that would make them “deserving” in their own right.  At the same time, though, there is a part of me that feels that anyone who can decide to end a long and close friendship over $50 is surely less deserving of a baby than me.

I am at this impasse – guilt on the one hand for feeling that I am more deserving than them (since, as I said, they have had some real royal shit happen in their lives) and at the same time this anger and sense of betrayal that they were “chosen” to be parents before me.  I guess that’s what it’s about, really.  I know intellectually that people aren’t chosen to be parents based on their good qualities (at least as long as you’re not adopting – and in some cases not then either), yet there is still an emotional, non-logical part of me that feels that, well, why the hell haven’t I had a kid by now?

I have cared for kids since I was 10 years old, when I started caring for my little sister.  My background is in social work and now I’m a teacher.  I’ve also been a youth worker, a camp counselor, a nanny, a daycare worker, and a manager of a daycare.  So I have *tons* of experience with children of all ages.  I have two very well-cared-for pooches and a perhaps slightly less well-cared-for-but-still-very-much-loved chinchilla, so I am responsible and committed to those who depend on me.  I co-run a friggin’ group for queer folks who want to be parents – and have been running it for over three years (I am now with my third co-coordinator, the last two having gotten pregnant), so I know more about the ins and outs of queers starting families than I ever thought I would.  I don’t blame you if you want to stop reading the pity-party this has turned into, but, well, I’m pissed.

I’m just so tired of the unfairness of it all.  I just want a baby.

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So, basically, I am still TTC. I’ve now tried 15 times. The last seven have been with meds; the last three with a double dose plus HCG shot. And, here I am, still not pregnant. (Though I’m currently in the 2ww – but don’t think it will take.) I’m also doing fertility yoga and acupuncture, have stopped eating soy and started eating chicken, and a friend’s mom is saying a Catholic prayer for me each week.

These last three tries in particular have been really tough. As my friend said, I’m now pulling out all the stops and things still aren’t working. If I’m not pregnant this time, I’m moving to IVF. It takes too much out of me to keep trying. Of course, who knows if the IVF will work, but at least it will up my chances significantly and the fact that I’m using frozen swimmers won’t make a difference.

What I am most sick of right now is people asking me, “why don’t you try adoption?” or something along those lines. Yes, of course, I have looked at adoption. And I have always wanted to adopt, and fully intend to do so. But for a single queer woman – even in Seattle – the average wait is 4 years. I just don’t want to wait that long. Maybe if this were my 2nd kid or something, that would be okay, but its not and so I’m not. I always thought that there were so many kids out there waiting to be adopted, but in truth, there aren’t. There are *way* more potential parents out there than there are waiting kids.

Foster adoption is an option, but not something I think I could do at this point. I used to work in foster care and have seen more than one potential foster adoptive parent who was told one day that the kid was one step away from becoming theirs forever and then the next day told the kid was returning to the bio family. And just like that the kid is removed. And the foster parents are left heartbroken. After all this, I just don’t think I could do that right now.

So, yes, to answer the question, yes, of course, I have considered adoption. But, no, I don’t think its a good choice right now. But please don’t think that I haven’t thought about it, that I haven’t spent hours and hours thinking about – and stressing about – all of my options. Please recognize and respect that I know what all my options are and I have made the choice that is best for me right now.

As always, thanks for listening, y’all.

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