• A *ton* of teaching jobs were recently posted for next year and I have been applying like crazy.  It is a long process and I have to apply for all of them within a week, so that is where most of my time has gone.
• I have now done four lupron injections.  And, as an update on an earlier post, it is going quite fine.  Fear of needles (at least the teeny, tiny lupron ones) is gone.  Actually, I kind of oddly look forward to the injections each morning – both for the structure they provide (did I mention I love structure?) as well as the sense that I am doing something proactive that will help get me closer to a baby.
• My pup Cassie has a ton of allergies and will need to start allergy shots.  I am a bit sad for her, but mostly relieved that her allergies will require shots – they have been really bad and if the test results said they weren’t bad enough to require shots, I wasn’t sure where we would go next.  My other pup, Zoe, gets allergy shots and after about a year is doing fantastic with them.  She is almost off her allergy meds.
• Only four more BCPs left.  I will not miss them.
• My suppression check is scheduled for next Thursday, the 27th.
• I got offered a job teaching summer school (kindergarten) this year!  Sooo excited.
• Plus, I will be an Area Leader at my favorite queer camp for one of its lovely weeks this summer.  Again, sooo excited.
• Lupron keeps your pituitary from producing hormones and its been nice and relaxing not to have *any* mood swings (though also odd not to have any strong emotions at all.)
• My stepbrother announced his engagement to his (conservative Christian but very sweet) fiance and their wedding *this August.*  This caused a lot of family drama (because of the quick turn-around, need for people to adjust schedules when doing so wasn’t always possible, etc.)  It seems to all be worked out now.
• For my last three BFNs from IUIs (Jan, Feb, and March), I bought myself something as a bit of a consolation prize.  The last one, kin.der eggs (which I fell in love with when living in Germany) finally arrived, imported from Canada, after a much too long wait (due to poor customer service, etc., that eventually caused me to cancel my order and place a new one with a different company.)  But they. are. here.  Only they don’t taste as good as the German ones, so my little sis, who is in Deutschland right this minute, is sending me some good German ones.

Thanks so much for all your kind comments about my post on “deserving” a baby.  They are much appreciated and it is so wonderful to have people out there who understand.  I’m in a bit of a better place right now (helped, no doubt, by the lupron-induced lack of strong emotions.)

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Maybe this will go away next quarter when I’m student teaching?  I’ve written before about how I love the class and teacher I’ll be working with.  It is so nice to be in her classroom, where things are not so gendered, where there aren’t expectations or boxes for the kids to be in based on what their gender is.  Everyone just is, and I love it.  The kids – and all of us – have so much more freedom to be true to themselves.

I was talking to my friend E about how I was feeling recently, and she said she thought it made sense, since the straight folks in my program are treated so much better than I am.  Still, I want to be someone who can just be strong in the face of all of it, who will know in her heart that they are wrong and only need that knowledge to get through it.  I mean, I do know they’re wrong, but clearly there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe it and that is leading me to wish I was different.  I know of a queer woman a little while ago who sued my school because of their homophobia (she got all her education paid for, too.)  She really seemed to be having a rough time still and said they took a part of her soul.  I don’t want that to happen to me.

Until last summer, I really existed in a world that almost exclusively consisted of queer folks.  Those who aren’t queer are very queer-friendly.  I got used to it, it was comfortable and easy, and I always knew people either identified with or at least understood where I was coming from.  For the most part, we share the same values and ideals.  Consequently, when I suddenly started spending time with more straight people (some of whom turned out not to be so queer-friendly), I wasn’t as guarded as I perhaps should have been.  Although, really, who wants to spend their time guarded?  Watching what I say all the time makes me miserable.

For the time being, I’m trying to surround myself with as many positive queer images as I can.  I’m also thinking of taking martial arts again (at least until I’m preggers) – I used to train and got so much out of it (self-confidence, awareness of my body, etc.).  Most of the women who trained there were also queer and were really role models for me when I was first coming out.  Now my bad ex trains at that school, so I don’t think I’ll be going back there, but I may seek out a different place to train.

I’d love to hear if y’all have thoughts or suggestions about how I can work through this.  And thanks so much for listening/reading.

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*Note to the straight folks who read my blog: I don’t have anything against straight folks, it’s just that I’m not one and so it concerns me that I would in any way wish to be one.  By saying “horror of horrors,” I don’t mean to imply that being straight is a bad thing, but just that it’s not who I am or who I should be.

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Thanks so much for all your sweet and supportive comments about my school experience.  The school crappiness continues – most recently having a fit at me because I *dared* to request that people bring a list of ingredients to an upcoming potluck so I – and other folks with allergies – would know what we could eat.  However, I am really excited about my student teaching placement.  I start next quarter, but am there one day a week right now.  The kids and teacher are great *and* the teacher is a lesbian who says in all her years of teaching, she has never had a parent be concerned that she was teaching their child.  In your face, stupid MIT program that knows nothing.  I wish I could spend every day in that class.  Only six and a half weeks until I can do just that.

My friends at school are also really supportive.  When they heard about the school flipping out over my allergies yet again, one woman proposed that we all bring in laminated ingredients lists, displayed on placards.  Just to show how *not-difficult* the whole process was.  Another woman – who happens to have a nut allergy – said she was going to fake an allergy attack and then exclaim, “oh, I *wish* I had known what was in these dishes!”  They rock.

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