Usually I am genuinely happy for people when they get pregnant, but not this time.  As much as I know intellectually that when and if you get pregnant has nothing to do with how much you *deserve* to be pregnant, I can’t help but feel that this is a betrayal by whatever higher power may exist out there.  I do wish that couple well and I know they have been through some very tough times that would make them “deserving” in their own right.  At the same time, though, there is a part of me that feels that anyone who can decide to end a long and close friendship over $50 is surely less deserving of a baby than me.

I am at this impasse – guilt on the one hand for feeling that I am more deserving than them (since, as I said, they have had some real royal shit happen in their lives) and at the same time this anger and sense of betrayal that they were “chosen” to be parents before me.  I guess that’s what it’s about, really.  I know intellectually that people aren’t chosen to be parents based on their good qualities (at least as long as you’re not adopting – and in some cases not then either), yet there is still an emotional, non-logical part of me that feels that, well, why the hell haven’t I had a kid by now?

I have cared for kids since I was 10 years old, when I started caring for my little sister.  My background is in social work and now I’m a teacher.  I’ve also been a youth worker, a camp counselor, a nanny, a daycare worker, and a manager of a daycare.  So I have *tons* of experience with children of all ages.  I have two very well-cared-for pooches and a perhaps slightly less well-cared-for-but-still-very-much-loved chinchilla, so I am responsible and committed to those who depend on me.  I co-run a friggin’ group for queer folks who want to be parents – and have been running it for over three years (I am now with my third co-coordinator, the last two having gotten pregnant), so I know more about the ins and outs of queers starting families than I ever thought I would.  I don’t blame you if you want to stop reading the pity-party this has turned into, but, well, I’m pissed.

I’m just so tired of the unfairness of it all.  I just want a baby.

©2012 Ocean Dreamer. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Now, I know sleep is important.  I’m someone who needs at minimum 8 hours of sleep (and does best with 9  - doesn’t bode well for my potential as a sleep-deprived new mom, does it?)  I can always tell if I’ve had enough sleep by how together I feel the next day.  However, I’m not always great at making sure I get enough sleep.  When I had a partner, I was (usually) fine.  But after I broke up with my ex, I really, really hated bedtime.  Going to sleep by myself really brought home all the negative things about being single.  So I started avoiding it, usually by watching TV and (often) falling asleep in front of the TV and waking up hours later to groggily climb into bed.

Some aspect of this has gone on, off and on, for 2+ years.

So when the presenter made the statement that getting enough sleep was the single most important take-home message of the entire conference, I listened.  And now …

I’ve given myself a bedtime and have kept to it for this week.  I will no longer let myself lay down on the couch to watch TV at night.  And *I feel great.*  Of course, there could be other things involved – like the fact that I only worked 16 hrs this week because of some other, unrelated, health stuff – but still….  I feel more put together, less stressed, etc.  And as a teacher, it makes a huge difference not only to me, but to the kids because I’m more patient and more flexible.

Usually when I make changes like this, they don’t last, but my hope is that this one will stick.  Wish me luck.

©2012 Ocean Dreamer. All Rights Reserved.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.